I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
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