Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
