the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
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