when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
bio was interesting today. swabbed my mouth to see what the cells where, ha. found a sperm cell. he was just that awesome
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Randomize
