I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Randomize
