i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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