Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Randomize
