u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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