I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Randomize
