Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
Randomize
