You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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