Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Randomize
