Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
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