I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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