I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
