If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
be right there i have to get my cape
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
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