Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
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