sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
We had to coat check the pizza.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Randomize
