Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize
