I faked an abortion last night.
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Randomize
