did you get engaged???
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
I just found a bag of teeth...
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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