She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
i guess. but if i can salvage this and still somehow see you naked i feel like that's a win
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
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