New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
