I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
Randomize
