oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
Just took my morning after pill in the library
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
