Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Randomize
