She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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