He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
Randomize
