dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
