Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
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