How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
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