I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
