Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
Randomize
