All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
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