dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
Randomize
