yo my bday is less then one week away. hope youve found another annoying candian i can lick dairy products off of. also sorry about your loss
Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
