I need to stop coming to work sober
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
lets start a swedish sibling band together
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
