I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
I'm just crazy horny about you
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
