The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Randomize
