He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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