I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
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