omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
Randomize
