Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
