Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
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