dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
