you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Randomize
