So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Randomize
