I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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