My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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