There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
