I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Randomize
