Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
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