I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
yes i saw that this morning. it was my mailbox.
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Randomize
