I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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